This is Your One Shot

Sometimes I just want to walk up to people and shake them.

“Why are you living like this?”

“This is the life you want to look back on and be proud of?”

“This is the life that you’re going to learn from and want to share with your kids?”

When you look at the big picture and realize you are ever only guaranteed one moment, the moment you are in, is this really how you would choose to go out?

 

I have guy friends who sit on the couch drinking beer, smoking, taking who-knows-what, and sleeping every chance they get and on the rare occasion they have enough energy to actually make it out of the apartment to a bar…they wonder why they can’t get any girls.

 

Wait…are you being serious??  You lazy bum, with eyeballs only half open, your personality completely shut down because of whatever pill you decided to take tonight and reeking like booze?  Hmmm, those sound like a winning combination, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE GIRLS?!?!  

 

Being one of the few females that actually cares about what happens to these guys, I have to say I feel I only stick around because I have hope that one day they will snap out of it and the reality of what they are doing to themselves will sink in.  I had dated one of these guys in high school when he was a completely respectable, he was a great guy and I look at him now and I can’t believe this is who he decided to become!

 

If the life you’re living now isn’t something you’d want your future children to see or do…then don’t do it.

 

To tell you the truth, I get that it is fun to go out a have a good time, I’d be lying if I said I never had a fun time out and it probably wouldn’t bother me as much if it was a phase but I really think this is a way of living for them, they would be perfectly content to live the rest of their days this way because they don’t remember or they haven’t experienced anything better.  When I say they don’t remember, the drugs have probably gotten to a majority of the brain cells already. 

 

What really caught me off guard the other day was when one of them said he would change if he ever had a kid.  Really? You would? For how long? Because to change that quickly from a habit you have spent half your young life creating can’t just be broken in a second.

 

Now some of these guys really have confidence in themselves, or so it seems.  I think on the inside they do these things because it fills a void that was created a few years ago by a horrible experience.  I get it, it hurts, I would probably have had a dreadful time recovering from that too, but you did it the wrong way.  Is this how you honor the memory?  Is this how you show your gratitude?

 

It really hurts having to see these people, people I really care about head down a road that I’m afraid they eventually won’t recover from.  To head down a road that could lead to fewer days than we are even given.  I worry one day I’ll wake up and hear horrible news about one of them and that scares me.  I try to be a light in their lives but they completely shut up when I try.  I wish so badly I could just shake them and shake all that junk out of them so they could start over and head in a better direction.  I pray so often for them to find their way in life and to “save” themselves while they have the chance, in whatever way they can. 

 

God break my heart for what breaks yours.  I heard that phrase so many times but it rings so true at this time in my life.  My heart hurts seeing someone who a few years ago had such big dreams and now sitting on their couch spending their graciously given time digging themselves deeper into the hole.  It hurts to see glimpses of a good guy in a person only to be taken away by the substances he puts into his body to make himself feel better.  My heart breaks thinking of what could happen if they don’t turn their lives around soon.  It hurts to know that at this point in time I can’t do much, I can really only pray.

 

We have no control over this life we have been given, what we think we control has already been predetermined, God knows our whole lives before we even know what we are doing after we get off work.  Sometimes there is nothing more you can do to help another…

Sometimes all you can do is pray.  

“I get a little bit stronger”

 

“I get a little bit stronger”

It is so hard to move on from a break up, knowing things will never be the same and taking trips down memory lane is the worst!  Some people say that you should mope about it and get it out of your system and with time you will heal.  Others say that you need to act strong and not cry, don’t let anyone see how much you hurt. 

I don’t know exactly what the right answer is but all I know is after being the idiot who went back to the same guy countless amounts of times in the past 2 years, moving on still hurts the same…maybe worse the last time because you know it has to be done. 

Yes, it happens.  I’m more than willing to admit that I have been on and off with the same guy for the past two years, not on and off as in a long period of time we’re good so there’s hope after a “break” of sorts.  No, I have been on and off meaning one month on two months off, two months on three weeks off, two months amazing, then he’s gone.  Looking back on it now, moving on for good sucks.  I can’t believe I was just about to be 100% happy and moved on and then let him back into my life yet AGAIN. 

I was trying to do the strong-can’t-let-anyone-see-how-much-it-hurts kind of deal.  I was walking around pretending that I didn’t care anymore and that it was just the same old thing…I’d be fine.  Then I tried the whole leaning on other people thing and talking nonstop to try and vent about this but neither was working.  So I took a day to myself and vegged out.  Watched movies, Sex and the City and cleaned, I gave myself permission to think about all the memories for just this one day, to think about everything that was said and done and all the promises made.  I feel it worked, I feel stronger and I feel like I can finally move on for good and let the past go.   Also the fact that he wanted to be single whenever he went out of town finally clicked that it wouldn’t change no matter how close we got when we spent time together. 

“I’m done thinking we could work this out, I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around”

I found an article online explaining exactly how our relationship (or lack thereof) was called The Hoover something or another.  It explained so much to me and really helped me understand that some people will never be meant to be no matter how much you want it to work.  Some stories were never meant to be written and some books will have many chapters before the happy ending. 

Every day my smile is more and more real