Excuses Excuses

“I can’t see myself settling down right now but one day I’m going to be putting a ring on that finger of yours.” 

Thank you for the heads up. 

“You’re the one weakness I have, the one with a good head on her shoulders and I want to be able to be there for you and provide for you.  I just have to work on myself so I can actually get to that place in my life.” 

Well that’s really sweet to hear.  Wait you were out drinking for the fifth night in a row and that made you late for work, ok I see how this is going, your effort is just inspiring…

 “You’re such an independent woman; it’s so hard to get to where I feel like I can take care of you.” 

I’m so sorry for knowing how to take care of myself and the fact that I don’t need to rely on anyone. 

What the heck kind of excuses are these?!! Don’t go telling a girl all these things, because sorry to burst your bubble, how on earth is this charming.  What do you want us to do when we hear things like this?  Swoon at your feet and float in a daze knowing I have a prince charming….that isn’t going to show himself for another, what, 5 years or so?  I’m sorry to the nice guy offering to buy me dinner I have a future husband.  No silly, I’m not engaged but he told me once he got his act together in a few years I was all his.  (That’s IF he ever gets it together)  Sorry to the sweetheart, gorgeous, smiling man that wanted to pick me up for a date to somewhere fantastic.  Once my future husband gets a car…and a house…much less a job, o and maybe some balls…I’m all his! 

No I’m sorry this isn’t how it works.  You don’t get to have your fun now but claim someone for your own for years down the road when you’re ready.  And don’t even think you can be upset with me when I move on to one of these nice men previously mentioned.  They are ready now, it may not work and I may see you in a few years when the time is right and your entire suck up regime actually comes true, but it’s as simple as this.  I’m going with the flow and if the time is now I’m not waiting; this other man is ready now to see whether we can work out a relationship together.  He’s not saying in 3 years and 2 weeks can I please take you to a movie; I may be ready by then to date. 

I wait for no man and that’s the truth.

“I get a little bit stronger”

 

“I get a little bit stronger”

It is so hard to move on from a break up, knowing things will never be the same and taking trips down memory lane is the worst!  Some people say that you should mope about it and get it out of your system and with time you will heal.  Others say that you need to act strong and not cry, don’t let anyone see how much you hurt. 

I don’t know exactly what the right answer is but all I know is after being the idiot who went back to the same guy countless amounts of times in the past 2 years, moving on still hurts the same…maybe worse the last time because you know it has to be done. 

Yes, it happens.  I’m more than willing to admit that I have been on and off with the same guy for the past two years, not on and off as in a long period of time we’re good so there’s hope after a “break” of sorts.  No, I have been on and off meaning one month on two months off, two months on three weeks off, two months amazing, then he’s gone.  Looking back on it now, moving on for good sucks.  I can’t believe I was just about to be 100% happy and moved on and then let him back into my life yet AGAIN. 

I was trying to do the strong-can’t-let-anyone-see-how-much-it-hurts kind of deal.  I was walking around pretending that I didn’t care anymore and that it was just the same old thing…I’d be fine.  Then I tried the whole leaning on other people thing and talking nonstop to try and vent about this but neither was working.  So I took a day to myself and vegged out.  Watched movies, Sex and the City and cleaned, I gave myself permission to think about all the memories for just this one day, to think about everything that was said and done and all the promises made.  I feel it worked, I feel stronger and I feel like I can finally move on for good and let the past go.   Also the fact that he wanted to be single whenever he went out of town finally clicked that it wouldn’t change no matter how close we got when we spent time together. 

“I’m done thinking we could work this out, I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around”

I found an article online explaining exactly how our relationship (or lack thereof) was called The Hoover something or another.  It explained so much to me and really helped me understand that some people will never be meant to be no matter how much you want it to work.  Some stories were never meant to be written and some books will have many chapters before the happy ending. 

Every day my smile is more and more real